5 lessons to learn from the “Tinder Swindler”
How did we, as a society, create this con artist and what can we learn from this?
In the past couple of months, Netflix has been releasing a new tide of riveting documentaries about real-life fraudsters and con artists.
These documentaries have been blowing up worldwide, pivoting conversations, and fuelling imaginations.
Our fascination with these types of individuals stems from many factors and mainly, from their ability to lie, while looking straight into our eyes. Their confidence can make even the most self-assured person in the room, question their sanity.
Some of us might also, on some level, identify with the victims by realizing that it could have happened to anyone.
What is particularly enraging about the Tinder Swindler though, is the fact that he is walking quasi-unscathed from all this. Hopefully, that is about to change, now that the Lveiv family has filed a lawsuit against him.
Because con artists like Hayut study their victims. They study their likes and their dislikes by getting to know them on a personal level. They understand their insecurities and their pain points, then, when the timing is right, strategically use them against them, thus holding them forever in their grip.
Maybe, that way, he will finally pay for the damages and the trail of destruction that he has left in his wake.
The audacity of some viewers to elevate him to the status of a semi-celebrity, and a hero to learn dating tips from, is another infuriating point in this debacle!
Many are fascinated by the ability of this con artist to live so lavishly at the expense of others, and some are going as far as envying him.
These people are completely detached from what happened. They have simply chosen to ignore the fact that, if they were to meet Hayut in real life, they might have also been left in a state of shock and destruction.
Because con artists like Hayut study their victims. They study their likes and their dislikes by getting to know them on a personal level. They understand their insecurities and their pain points, then, when the timing is right, strategically use them against them, thus holding them forever in their grip.
What many of us have failed to realize is the tremendous amount of courage and strength that the women of the documentary, Cecilie Fjellhøy, Pernilla Sjöholm, and Ayleen Charlotte have shown.
They have decided to go after him regardless of the consequences, by sharing their stories publicly and exposing their vulnerabilities, to save other potential victims.
That is truly a heroic act. And yet, they are not the ones with an agent and a Hollywood deal, because we live in a society that loves to shame its victims, all the while idolizing warlords and vain personalities.
Although there are many enraging facts about the Tinder Swindler, let’s not forget the main purpose of the documentary — to prevent our future selves from falling to the lies of con artists.
Below, I have combined a list of 5 lessons we can learn from the documentary, and hopefully save ourselves some unnecessary heartaches:
- Don’t be fooled by appearances
This one might seem obvious, in retrospect. But in reality, things are quite different, especially if you are at a low point in your life.
The success of these types of predators depends mostly on the amount of vulnerability of their victims.
When the person in front of you is going to great lengths to make you believe a particular version of themselves, never omitting any detail, even hiring people to con you, it will be hard to discern fiction from reality.
You might feel uneasy or might have a weird feeling throughout the whole ordeal, but until you can put your finger on something more tangible, many people will decide to ignore that gut feeling.
We know that none of us is exempt from this sometimes, and that is what Hayut plays on; human nature. Because he is a narcissistic psychopath who sees weaknesses we don’t, then uses them to his advantage.
This con artist has mastered the art of human behavior and has used it to extract millions of dollars from hundreds of women in two years. And yes, it takes a kind of genius to do that.
But a genius so evil, it is far scarier and more repelling, than admirable.
2. Be aware of everything “too fast”
Again, in retrospect, you might look at this as an obvious red flag (which it is by the way). But you need experience, introspection, and a bitter encounter, to be fully aware of that.
Hayut chooses unsuspecting women who usually fit a certain type of profile that makes them his ideal victims.
He also knows the shortcomings of Tinder and the hardships of the online dating scene and once again, uses this to his advantage.
Whereas most guys will stand you up, catfish you, or even be completely inappropriate, he went the opposite route, playing on that tiny flicker of hope inside each one of these women — actually finding her gem on Tinder, amongst all that disappointment.
When you want to desperately believe something that is offered to you on a silver platter, most times, you will.
All this is a carefully crafted persona on the part of the con artist, and all you will have at this point of your encounter is your instinct.
You will be so happy and engrossed in the fact that:
- you found someone you are compatible with that doesn’t make you cringe
- he responds to text messages and doesn’t ghost you
- he acts like a perfect gentleman and reciprocates your eagerness for a chance at a relationship (and not run at even the hint of it, even though you met on a dating app)
- is lavishly wealthy, generous, and “caring”.
I mean what more can a girl ask for, right?
All this is a carefully crafted persona on the part of the con artist, and all you will have at this point of your encounter is your instinct.
What does this say about society and the fact that to be seen as a true gentleman, all that you need is the minimum required courtesy and honesty?
Being aware of love-bombing tactics and the fact that someone is moving way too fast with you, regardless of how precious you are, is enough for you to run in the opposite direction.
And trust me, time will reveal how true your instincts were in the first place.
3. Asking for cash is a HUGE red flag!
Especially if the person asking, is your “boyfriend” of one month.
Again while sitting at home, sipping our rosé and yelling at the TV, we are much more objective, than when we hear the love of our lives pleading for their life (with pictures and videos attached) and asking for life-saving money.
Although you might be tempted to help, it is better to turn to trusted and objective friends or family members, regardless of how much your predator is trying to isolate you.
And if you are still unsure, it would be a great idea to involve a lawyer, especially if you are about to take on loans on behalf of someone.
Even if everything they are saying is legitimate, do you want to be involved with a grown person who is involved in shady business or who doesn’t know how to properly manage their money?
4. Study your options, always:
Whenever someone asks for money- study your options and entertain all possible outcomes, before you hand over cash.
Not because you are stingy or paranoid, but because you will be able to come up with possible solutions, and even protect yourself, should you find yourself in an unprecedented situation.
They say knowledge is power, and it never sounded truer than in such a situation.
Being in a relationship with a significant other doesn’t mean that you should completely lose your sense of self. If they are asking for sacrifices you are not ready to make, they are asking too much.
In this case, it is always a good idea to take a step back and reflect.
5. Take your power back — don’t let experiences like these define you
As I previously mentioned, what these women did was truly heroic.
When, regardless of the information they had, all parties concerned such as the police and the Interpol didn’t do their jobs, these women refused to give up.
After realizing that they were conned, they took matters into their own hands and went to the press, did interviews, investigations, and came up with plans.
Sadly, even after all this noise, the con artist is still walking free, and the women are still in over their heads with debts.
Where is justice in this story? Sadly, I have no answer to that, today.
It is sure though, that there are many lessons to be learned from this story so that we can protect ourselves and our loved ones from falling victims to similar predators.
Especially if the world has been watching, complacently.
